There is this guy I like, well actually maybe love. The problem is: he lives far away. He makes me feel loved, special and beautiful. I think I love him more then my ex. But I will never meet my love. He deserves better then me anyways. But it hurts. Hes amazing. He means the world to me. Ugh, love sucks...

Have you ever felt like you have no one to go to for help? No one to listen? I know how it feels. People always tell me "If you need someone to listen, I'm here. Stay strong" but then they arnt there or they arnt worthy. I feel like I have no one to turn to most of the time. Now, no one knows when I need someone or when I'm hurt. I fake a smile most of the time now. I feel alone. Worthless. Helpless. Its to the point I even feel Hopeless. I have to rely on myself. Not many people are trustworthy theses days.

It is about 1 am and the only thing I think of is what I dislike about myself and my ex boyfriend who i still have a thing with. My mother, sister and possibly my friends think i shouldn't even be talking to him because he cheated. I believe he changed. I still love him and he loves me. But also, since he cheated on me I have many more insercuties and I hate myself. How my face isn't perfect and I don't fit into a size 3 pair of jeans. I hate my laugh. My voice. How boring I am. How I have so many issuse. It has lead me to believe that it is obvious why he cheated. I'm not perfect. I'm not good enough. I deserve this pain.

These last few nights, a strange unpleasent sensation rushes through me. Causing all happy thoughts to be chased out of my head by thoughts of my mistakes, embarressing/awkward moments and why i hate myself. Making me want to just harm myself. To disappear.

The hard decisions of life knock me down everyday. I question every choice. Now, I am hung up on one decision that has a huge effect. My ex, who cheated on me, loves me again. I never stopped loving him either. But something tells me I shouldn't love him nor trust him. But sometimes love is worth the risk. This risk I am willing to take. It may be a mistake. It might knock me down and tear me apart. But I will just pick myself up once again, and carry on.

Well life may seem like a gift but in my point of veiw, it is just an unwanted pain. With boy troubles and being an outsider, life isn't as sweet as everyone says. But oh well. I'm just a nobody.

                       ~Bethany